Eyyy! Just like the Fonz, Michael Phelps will go head to head against a shark, and one would think sites for betting would favour the bloodthirsty killing machine, but Phelps is actually the underdog here. Fittingly enough, years from now we will look back and agree that the time Phelps raced a shark was also the moment when his career jumped the shark. Like, what is he smoking? Oh, right. You’d think racing a great white – not the glam rock band – would be an exercise in excess, especially for the man who thinks “there’s too much going on” in Olympic swimming events, but originally there were also going to be deadly electric eels, ravenous piranha, bone-crushing alligators, and perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion. So the one shark is actually very conservative.
“They are one of the fastest and most efficient predators on the planet: Sharks. He is our greatest champion to ever get in the water,” said the Discovery Channel – which will perpetrate this affront to nature as part of its Shark Week debauchery – in a press release. “Michael Phelps. 39 world records. 23 Olympic golds. But he has one competition left to win. An event so monumental no one has ever attempted it before. The world’s most decorated athlete takes on the ocean’s most efficient predator: Phelps V Shark.” They’re calling this “Great Gold vs. Great White.” We would have called it “Shark-natō” but apparently Latin is no longer ‘hip.’
So, again, sites for betting are putting their money on the shark and why wouldn’t they? A great white could beat Michael Phelps in its sleep. No, really; sharks have to constantly move or they’ll die, so a shark literally swims while it sleeps. Then again, if someone has ever come close to being a human fish without undergoing a dolphinoplasty (yeah, a dolphin is a mammal, but you get the idea) that is Phelps. A long, thin torso provides low drag; arms span 6’ 7’ (which is actually longer than his height) and serve as long, propulsive paddles; comparatively short legs offer lower drag and the speed enhancement of a hydrofoil; size-fourteen feet might as well be flippers; and hypermobile ankles can extend beyond the pointe of a ballet dancer, allowing him to whip his feet as if they were fins for increased thrust through the water. Was he born in Innsmouth, by any chance?
Nonetheless, while the Deep Ones and the Esoteric Order of Dagon may back Phelps, sites for betting still give the edge to the apex predator – not Randy Orton. According to ESPN, Michael Phelps’ swimming speed capped off at about 6 miles per hour in 2010. The peak burst speed of a great white is estimated to be above 25 mph per hour. Also, the great white is responsible for the largest number of reported and identified fatal unprovoked shark attacks on humans. Let’s hope this particular shark does not indulge in the same form of recreation as Phelps does, otherwise it might get the munchies and swallow the gold medalist whole.
Shark vs. Michael Phelps Odds at Bovada Sportsbook.
Michael Phelps +600
Great White Shark -1200
