Sportsbooks are debating which team – if any – will sign the lukewarmest free agent in the market, one Colin Rand ‘Kap’ Kaepernick. And if one does, in what capacity? The quarterback’s madcap antics estranged him from the San Francisco 49ers. The Niners and Colin are now like the Montagues and the Capulets. At this point the QB probably wouldn’t take up a lot of salary cap space, but his capricious nature does not captivate too many teams. There are just so many more questions than answers. Has Colin’s career gone kaput? Has his ship capsized? Will he sink with that ship like a true captain? And more importantly, are puns the lowest form of humor?
It is the opinion of this ‘umble sportsball recapper that Colin should capitalize on one or more of his many capabilities. For example, he could license his likeness to cereal boxes, like Doug Flutie and Chad Ochocinco. Kap’n Krunch, anybody? Has a nice ring to it, don’t it? How ‘bout a nice, foamy, steaming cup of cappuccino? Sure, it would be selling out, and we can all pretty much guess Colin’s stance on capitalism. But it beats running out of money and turning to a life of crime. Although knowing him, he would become capo di tutt’i capi in no time. How about politics? Could you imagine Colin in Capitol Hill? The pledge of allegiance would probably go the same way of prayer in school. Oh, and according to sportsbooks, the Seattle Seahawks are the only NFL team that could be a realistic destination for Kap.
Failing all of the above, Colin could have a very lucrative film career. For starters, he could play Zack de la Rocha in “Rage Against the Machine: The Movie.” Or, if they keep making Superman reboots – and they will – there is a part that Colin would be perfect for, and he would hardly even need any directions.
Director: So, Colin, in this scene all you have to do is kneel before Zod. Got it?
Kap: Sure. Just play the national anthem in the background.
Kap: All right, let’s shoot this f-
Whoa, hold that thought. Sadly, we all know that those options are too worldly for a free spirit like Colin (though he was pretty wild back in the day. Just ask his Kappa Alpha Psi brothers). Well, in that case, he could retire into the monastic life. Maybe join the Order of Friars Minor Capuchin. But that would be going out with a whimper instead of a bang. Colin’s career needs to end with a statement, preferably one written in ALL CAPS. Put that final feather in his cap. Regardless of what sportsbooks say. But where is Kap? Wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, Kap’ll be there. He’ll be in the way guys yell when they’re mad, in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry and they know supper’s ready. And when the people are eating the stuff they raise, and living in the houses they build, Kap’ll be there, too.